


I See A Darkness

by neversaydie



Series: Somewhat Damaged [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-20
Updated: 2013-04-20
Packaged: 2017-12-09 00:35:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/767931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neversaydie/pseuds/neversaydie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When he gets to the part where he was deciding between swallowing a bottle of vodka or a bullet, his hands are shaking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I See A Darkness

"Barton, did you get drunk, sleep a couple hours, and get back up to come on this mission?"

Fury's name had never been more apt.

"Fucking denied, agent! Sending you into the field intoxicated could be suicide, for you and the rest of your team. Go the fuck home! We'll continue this discussion when you're sober."

Clint hardly makes it to the nearest bathroom before he pukes. The rest of the team had looked at him with various shades of concern and derision, with Tony looking like he understood (scary), but the worst was Phil. Phil looked like he was caught somewhere between disappointed and scared, and that's what made Clint heave up bile from his empty stomach. He didn't mean to fuck up, he just wanted his head to shut up for a few hours.

Shit.

When he gets hauled in by Fury the following day, that's how he explains it. He doesn't leave anything out, this time. If he loses his job, if he loses Phil, he doesn't have anything else, so he's as honest as he can be with the Director and prays for sympathy. When he gets to the part where he was deciding between swallowing a bottle of vodka or a bullet, his hands are shaking. Fury stands up and puts a hand on his shoulder. Gracefully pretends he doesn't see the tear that escapes Clint's self-control.

"Go home, Barton. You've got an appointment with psych on Monday, just get some sleep before then." Fury sounds compassionate. Clint must have royally fucked up to have pulled at Fury's heartstrings. "And Barton, make sure you tell Phil what you just told me."

Clint nods sharply.

"Sir."

Clint doesn't tell Phil.

He does tell him he's got an appointment with psych scheduled, and Phil looks relieved, way too relieved for someone who was just worried about their boyfriend losing his job. Clint cries in the shower, hot tears and hot water invisible against each other. It takes him an hour to stop, by which time his skin is pink and his face is swollen raw with salt. Phil makes mac and cheese and doesn't push Clint when he can't eat, kissing him on the head and guiding him to bed way too early instead.

Clint lies awake that night, too scared to sleep.

*

When Clint gets diagnosed, he doesn't tell anyone. Not for weeks. Even Phil doesn't find out until Clint goes missing for three days and none of his usual safe houses are accessed. JARVIS eventually rats him out and Coulson finds him curled up in a vent at the tower, hiding.

Phil hefts himself into the narrow metal shaft, carefully staying out of Clint's space, and waits while silent tears roll down the archer's face until he's ready to speak. When he does, it's with an explosion of rage and a full prescription bottle flung against the wall, metal clang echoing harshly in the face of Phil's patient silence.

"Bi-fucking-polar. _God dammit_."

Phil catches the half-hearted fists that come his way when he gets close, pulls Clint to his chest and holds him there until he stills, sagging and exhausted. Phil's pretty sure he hasn't slept since he took off, and he takes advantage of the fatigue to treat him gently, something Clint usually balked at.

"It's okay. It's gonna be okay. We'll make it work."

He repeats the whispers until he's hoarse, stroking a hand down Clint's side while the other rests on the back of his neck, anchoring the archer. Phil is ground zero, and he won't let Clint fall.

They'll make it work.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the start of a 'verse, part two is almost finished.


End file.
